Happy July

 

Today is July 1st. I am happy to see July because I am always ready for June to end. Oh, and it's my birthday. Did I mention it's my birthday? I'm not sure why, but those of us with birthdays in July always think we need to celebrate for the entire month. Truly, I thought I was the only one, but when I look around, I can see that it is practically universal. And totally understandable. It may be because the year is half over, or because we know we still have half of the year left. It could be because this is the middle of summer. Maybe because we have a holiday this month. And because it is a great month for a party!

I become very pensive when it is time for my birthday. It's almost like it's mandatory to make resolutions. A couple of years ago I listed 75 things that I've learned. I don't think I will have 77 new ones this year, so I'll just read the old ones again. This year I am going to do something every day to celebrate. 1. Today I wore a summer dress all day. That does sound silly, but I seldom wear a dress, especially at home for no reason. And it has pockets, which makes it especially noteworthy. Now, I only have to think of thirty more things.

It feels like summer, especially since we are having a heat wave, but stores make me feel like I am way behind with my seasons. I saw school supplies the other day. And Halloween and Christmas decor has been available for a few weeks. I can only think about one season at a time. Does decorating for the seasons seems to be a lot more widespread than it used to be? Maybe because so much is available online. People I talk to tell me they are doing less. Downsizing is a big word now. Is it a trend or do we just like to say it? I look around and I want to do away with a lot of what is about, but then I want to add more too. It's a conundrum! 

This week the fourth (and final) podcast of my talk with Candee Lucas, the host of Solace: soul+grief. She is a chaplain in California and works with the grieving. I've known her since we were in the sixth grade. We have never lost touch, but don't often communicate. She contacted me to interview me for these recordings and we talked for over an hour, about a lot of feelings I've never put into words before. I really didn't know how this would turn out, because it was way beyond my comfort zone, but I really think I had a lot of helpful insights about this subject. She split our interview into four fifteen-minute segments. I know this is a story that many won't want to listen to, but for those who do this was the beginning of my "Second Story"

(I listened to this on Spotify, but you can look it up on whatever podcast you use.)

SAD STORIES

 I have always liked to write. Writing my thoughts is the way I comprehend how I feel. I don't write every day although I would like to. I have the idea that sitting at my desk and writing for two hours every morning would turn me into a "real" writer. Unfortunately for me, all I really want to do in the early mornings is drink coffee.

Someone just told me that she likes reading my work because she finds it comfortable and comforting. I like these definitions. I also want it to be relatable and funny and a little bit whimsical. And sometimes it is heartfelt and heartrending. This is one of those times.

I lost a dear friend a few weeks ago. She was a few years older than I am. She was a mentor as well as a friend. I am sorry that I didn't get to know her sooner. I will always miss her.

This week the granddaughter of one of my friends since childhood died in a tragic auto accident. The circumstances were much like the jury case that troubled me so much just a couple of weeks ago. What price can you put on a life? She was only nineteen. Hers was a life that was barely lived and ended before it should have been finished.

Every death, every funeral reminds us of all the others we have been a part of- our grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, friends, and colleagues. We know in our hearts that we will lose them at some point in time. But we never think that we will outlive our children. And that should not happen.  As I talked to my friend today she said that a tragedy like this was what happened to other people, but not to her family. I remember when those were my thoughts too, before my son died in his sleep at the age of thirty. Yes, every death is a reminder. My mind flashes back to the night I sat at my first husband's bed and cried all night because I knew he was going to be taken off life support the next morning. So young, 19. So young, 30. So young, 62.

I ache for my young friend. I sent her family strength and prayers because Strength is what we need to get us through these times. It is almost required to send prayers. Do prayers help? I don't know. I don't believe that prayers will change an outcome. I lost that faith when my son and husband were taken from us just a few short months apart. I never got it back. I envy those who still have it, but, for me, it's gone.

I've learned some truths since I realized that death is not what happens to other people. Don't worry about having courage and being brave so that others won't be uncomfortable. Cry as much as necessary. Talk. Remember the good times. Tell your stories. Let someone listen. Say their names. Hold on to one another. Scream in a car in a dark parking lot if it helps you feel better. Drink tea. 

Do whatever you need to do. Jim washed and ironed all of our son's shirts because he said that Rich wouldn't want to know they were wrinkled. I slept with my grown son's baby blanket for six months until my husband hid it away. And then he was dead two months later, so I slept with his shirt and the blanket!

My deepest griefs have been several years ago, but they never go away. Funerals always bring them back just like everything happened yesterday. I have learned to be happy again, but it is never an easy journey.

This may not have been comfortable, and certainly not whimsical, but it was a story I needed to share. Be safe everyone. I send us all Strength.

What I'm reading: I'm still enthralled with ancient Rome. Just trying to get through my library books before they are due.